It's me

I've honestly been feeling like it has bee harder and harder to wake up each morning.  To wake up and feel productive.  Most times I just want to vegetate and not do anything.  All I've felt lately are the lows.  I don't think there have been highs in my life as of late.  At least it doesn't feel like there have been a lot of them.  I know I don't pray as much as I use to.  I know I have not been as strong of a Christian as I use to be.  I know that.  And God, I know it's not good.  I know I have to find my place in the world again.  I need to find my faith again.  I need for it to be be stronger and more resistant to the hard times in my life.  I need direction.  And with my faith I think I can get there.  I think I want to go to church alone.  I feel like I have to.  I need to find a way to worship in a place I feel comfortable in.

Amen.

Hi. I need guidance. Everything in my life feels so far out of my reach. And here I am...unmotivated.  How did I get to this point? I slowly feel myself giving up and admitting defeat with my family and a real chance at being loved... I feel unworthy. I feel empty. I feel like my faith has been compromised. I use to feel God in me and around me. These days i find it harder and harder to find that feeling. With all the negativity around me I just wish for there to be a place or a time that I feel comfort. I pray for that. I pray for solutions to arise. I pray for peace. Just a day when I feel more peace than hurt or anger. I am not an angry or malicious person. I do not wish to feel that way. It pains me mentally and emotionally and sometimes makes me physically sick. Please give me strength and clarity. Provide me the will to see the options that are open to me and the drive to go and do it. Help me not stop myself from being better. Help me be better. Help me feel better. Make me feel like I am becoming the person I know I can be. I want to make my mom proud. I want her to know that I can thrive. I want her to find peace. I need her to find solutions without placing her anger towards me. I want her to not be so hostile towards me. Because I want to tell her that right now I'm so far beyond confused about where I want to be in the next 10 years. I am no where near happy and I need that. I feel so unappreciated. I feel like I am never good enough. I feel like I will never be good enough. I feel like I will never be who she wants me to be. Help us find a way to find a middle ground. Help her understand. Help me find the right words to say. I don't want to fight. I just want to be able to talk to her and not feel judged by the things I've done or what I want to do in life. There have been so many missed conversations we could have had about men that have come into my life. All because I don't trust her. I want my bond with my mom to be strong. I need it to be. After my grandma passes...I will be the only alliance left. Help us. Save us.