In realization that my last post was very selfish I am writing this one as well.

I ask for a lot. I feel like I'm entitled to a lot. I feel mistreated and ungreatful.

Help me Lord, look for the opportunities you give me everyday. Help me realize that I'm not alone in my struggle. Help me not allow negative thoughts and emotions add to what I think I can accomplish.

Help me, help myself. And help others see I'm trying.

Hi.

It's me God. I just wanted to ask, "Am I not working hard enough for you?" Right now, I'm really mad. Furious, really. I'm trying as hard as I can to please my mother, get a degree, get out of her life so that she has one less thing to complain about.

I mean, what did you want me to do Lord? Because honestly, I'm not motivated to do anything other that getting out of this house. Everything I need to do is too far for me to go unless I have my own transportation.

God, I'm not satisfied. I refuse to believe that this is the life that you want me to be living. Single? Not motivated? Angry? Who is that?! Because that isn't me! So why do you allow for my brother Jon to have it so much easier when I put in A HUNDRED TIMES more effort?! Why? I hate that! I feel like I' a "special" case child trying so hard to be normal. At least those kids have people to help them. Who is there for me God? Because half of the time, I feel like you've left me alone.

I don't want to feel alone. That is my worst fear in life. Give me the ability to know that you are here. Help me feel your precence. I don't want to be alone. I don't. 

I've wondered what would happen if I didn't have a person to love in my life before my grandmother passed away. I'd be devastated and not know who to turn to. Because while I can always go to my family...they would be grieving too. My grandma is my best friend. If I was to loose her...my heart...I don't know how it would repair itself if I don't have help. 

God, I want my grandmother to live to see me become successful. I want her to see my wedding day. Quite honestly, I don't know what that day would look like without her there. And if it isn't too much Lord, I want her to be there for the birth of my first child.

I just want her to be there. I want her to be able to tell me how beautiful I am. I need her to hold my hand. I need her to dance with me. 

Lord, it's going to be her 90th birthday soon. Please give me another 10 year with her. Please. I need her.

Dear God,

Today I was asked to meditate and really think about who I am and what I want to become. I was asked to imagine where I wanted to be in a year, or five or where I wanted to end up.

I am a woman of God. Do I follow your teachings to every singe word? No. Do I always emulate what it is to be a woman of God? No. I am a good, kind, loving person. I am smart and great at communicating. I am beautiful.

A year from now I will be working hard for a great corporation where I have room to grow in. I will love my job. I will have people who love me in my life. I will be living in my own apartment. I will have my own car. I will be making at least $55,000 a year.

Five years from now I will be working at the highest position. I will adore my job. I would be helping manage and run the company. I will be at a point where I would be married and ready to have children. I will own a car. I will be making at least $75,000 a year.

On my retirement day, I will have a fantastic corporation that I would be willing to sell. I will have a grown child who is smart and confident. I will still be married. I will own my own home. I will have travelled. I will have felt successful.

Help me make those statements a reality Lord. Remind me who I am and what I want for myself.

Forever Yours, Hya

Dear God,
While typing out my payers is a little unconventional I felt like it would help me.  Lord, I pray for my family.  Help us to remember to say things like "Thank You" and "I Love You" and help us to show that we mean it. Remind us to not take one another for granted.  Help up grown together as a family.  Help us feel connected to one another despite the distance or the hardships. I've always felt like I had a bigger purpose in the world than just a pretty face.  I've always wanted to be a leader.  Someone that helps people.  Someone that makes a difference.  Help me be successful in being that person.  Help me be a woman of God.  Help me remember to pray and pray often.  Remind me of the person I want to become and of the person that I am.  Lead me to good decisions and make it hard for me to refuse to pass them up.  I pray for my friends.  I pray for my rescue swimmers.  I pray for all my friends that risk their lives every day to protect this country.  I pray for those that need me the most.  I hope that those who are in my life seek comfort in you or in someone or something.  Lord, I pray that those that I love know that they are loved by me.  I hope that they know that they can come to me and if they loose their way...please send them to me.  Heavenly Father, keep my loved ones close.  Help them seek you when they need help.  Help them know you.

Help me.  Remind me that you are there.  Help me learn more about you.  Help me apply it to myself.  Show me that I am never alone and will never be alone.  And when the time comes Lord, please grant me peace with you in your Kingdom.

Forever Yours,
Hyacinth