It's me

I've honestly been feeling like it has bee harder and harder to wake up each morning.  To wake up and feel productive.  Most times I just want to vegetate and not do anything.  All I've felt lately are the lows.  I don't think there have been highs in my life as of late.  At least it doesn't feel like there have been a lot of them.  I know I don't pray as much as I use to.  I know I have not been as strong of a Christian as I use to be.  I know that.  And God, I know it's not good.  I know I have to find my place in the world again.  I need to find my faith again.  I need for it to be be stronger and more resistant to the hard times in my life.  I need direction.  And with my faith I think I can get there.  I think I want to go to church alone.  I feel like I have to.  I need to find a way to worship in a place I feel comfortable in.

Amen.

Hi. I need guidance. Everything in my life feels so far out of my reach. And here I am...unmotivated.  How did I get to this point? I slowly feel myself giving up and admitting defeat with my family and a real chance at being loved... I feel unworthy. I feel empty. I feel like my faith has been compromised. I use to feel God in me and around me. These days i find it harder and harder to find that feeling. With all the negativity around me I just wish for there to be a place or a time that I feel comfort. I pray for that. I pray for solutions to arise. I pray for peace. Just a day when I feel more peace than hurt or anger. I am not an angry or malicious person. I do not wish to feel that way. It pains me mentally and emotionally and sometimes makes me physically sick. Please give me strength and clarity. Provide me the will to see the options that are open to me and the drive to go and do it. Help me not stop myself from being better. Help me be better. Help me feel better. Make me feel like I am becoming the person I know I can be. I want to make my mom proud. I want her to know that I can thrive. I want her to find peace. I need her to find solutions without placing her anger towards me. I want her to not be so hostile towards me. Because I want to tell her that right now I'm so far beyond confused about where I want to be in the next 10 years. I am no where near happy and I need that. I feel so unappreciated. I feel like I am never good enough. I feel like I will never be good enough. I feel like I will never be who she wants me to be. Help us find a way to find a middle ground. Help her understand. Help me find the right words to say. I don't want to fight. I just want to be able to talk to her and not feel judged by the things I've done or what I want to do in life. There have been so many missed conversations we could have had about men that have come into my life. All because I don't trust her. I want my bond with my mom to be strong. I need it to be. After my grandma passes...I will be the only alliance left. Help us. Save us.

I thank you Lord for my faults and my weaknesses. Through them I find comfort in your divine love. Forever in your love I'll stay. Amen.

It's me again.  Coming at you from home right now.  Thank you for blessing me with such a big and amazing family.  Thank you for allowing me to visit them and celebrate the most amazing person in my life...My grandma.  You have granted me such an amazing person in my life.  She has been the kindest and most loving person.  She has raised me and taught me things.  She has been my best friend and family.  Thank you.

I just wanted to say, please let me keep her for another 5 years...another 10 years... Let me enjoy her while she is still here.  Let me get married and have children for her to see.

And thanks for the boy, btw.  He's sweet.  I really like him.  <3

amen

In realization that my last post was very selfish I am writing this one as well.

I ask for a lot. I feel like I'm entitled to a lot. I feel mistreated and ungreatful.

Help me Lord, look for the opportunities you give me everyday. Help me realize that I'm not alone in my struggle. Help me not allow negative thoughts and emotions add to what I think I can accomplish.

Help me, help myself. And help others see I'm trying.

Hi.

It's me God. I just wanted to ask, "Am I not working hard enough for you?" Right now, I'm really mad. Furious, really. I'm trying as hard as I can to please my mother, get a degree, get out of her life so that she has one less thing to complain about.

I mean, what did you want me to do Lord? Because honestly, I'm not motivated to do anything other that getting out of this house. Everything I need to do is too far for me to go unless I have my own transportation.

God, I'm not satisfied. I refuse to believe that this is the life that you want me to be living. Single? Not motivated? Angry? Who is that?! Because that isn't me! So why do you allow for my brother Jon to have it so much easier when I put in A HUNDRED TIMES more effort?! Why? I hate that! I feel like I' a "special" case child trying so hard to be normal. At least those kids have people to help them. Who is there for me God? Because half of the time, I feel like you've left me alone.

I don't want to feel alone. That is my worst fear in life. Give me the ability to know that you are here. Help me feel your precence. I don't want to be alone. I don't. 

I've wondered what would happen if I didn't have a person to love in my life before my grandmother passed away. I'd be devastated and not know who to turn to. Because while I can always go to my family...they would be grieving too. My grandma is my best friend. If I was to loose her...my heart...I don't know how it would repair itself if I don't have help. 

God, I want my grandmother to live to see me become successful. I want her to see my wedding day. Quite honestly, I don't know what that day would look like without her there. And if it isn't too much Lord, I want her to be there for the birth of my first child.

I just want her to be there. I want her to be able to tell me how beautiful I am. I need her to hold my hand. I need her to dance with me. 

Lord, it's going to be her 90th birthday soon. Please give me another 10 year with her. Please. I need her.